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mmalade
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Name: Justin
Gender: Male
Interests: badminton, ultimate frisbee, anime, video games, singing (a cappella)
Expertise: uh... cramming? slacking?
Occupation: Student
Industry: Engineering
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
12/16/2002
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| I'm in a rut and need to snap out of it... 
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| Hahaha, I think people my age have been asked this countless times by now. The really sad thing is that I still can't answer it confidently. All this time, my "plan" has not really been a plan at all. It's been me stumbling around and going wherever I felt like going. While you might, through very rosy glasses, consider that "following your heart," in truth that's really not the case. Sad to say my life has been a series of uninformed decisions and I find myself most of the way to being grown up and yet still not knowing what I want to do with it.
My whole situation is really not what it seems. Having graduated with two engineering degrees and clearly specializing in controls, you'd think my path would be figured out by now. But really I've pigeon-holed myself into a very bad place. Grad school has taught me that I don't want to pursue research in controls - it's too mathy and honestly I just don't care enough to stay motivated. So I've latched onto an applications-based project so I can avoid many of the theoretical work that would otherwise be required of me. But this project is in such a new field with uncertain implications for the future that it just keeps dragging on and on and it's unclear whether the work I'm doing will lead to publishable material for myself or if I'll end up just doing grunt work for other ppl's discoveries. If I try to switch to another controls project, I don't think I can hang with the others in my department because the math doesn't come as easily to me and I don't care to deal with proofs and theorems all day. And sadly, I've focused so much on controls that my knowledge in other areas of EECS is pretty limited at this point. 
I've considered dropping out and finding a job. The thought has been pretty pervasive recently in my head. But there I'm screwed again. Engineering in industry is not the kind of engineering I signed up for. I studied engineering in school because it was really cool and interesting - seeing all of these math and science concepts in action, especially in things you built with your own hands, is what drew me in. But that's generally not what it's like in the work place. You're asked to do similar tasks over and over again and it's very difficult to find a place to work that you feel passionate about. All of the exciting places to work like Google or Pixar don't match my skill set at all. Most industrial applications of controls are basic, and the more complicated ones, like robotics and autonomous vehicles and such, generally require a certain level of experience that I don't have to break in to. I think I've come to the conclusion that I'd be fine getting just any old engineering job as long as it had stable, regular hours and let me support my other activities outside of work. But again, my resume is almost laughable. Who wants a former ME and EE student who's been doing random research work in BioE? It's also taken me THREE years to get a master's degree, assuming I can even file for that next semester. What the hell, exactly, am I qualified for and who's going to want me?
I've tossed around the idea of teaching for a couple of years now and it's generally what I tell people I want to do. While I do love teaching, my teaching experience is limited to being a lab TA and occasionally lecturing. I don't think I can deal with kids, so I like the college/university level. But I've been told that that requires either a PhD in your field or a masters in both your field and education. Picking up and applying to education programs doesn't seem like a good idea. How good will my application look when I've got almost nothing to show for my last three years of schooling? And given that my prospects of actually getting my PhD seem bleaker every day, it's hard for me to seriously say that this is where I'm heading. But honestly, this might be the only thing that's keeping me going right now. This is really the only reason for me to get my PhD, since I don't intend on continuing with research after that.
This is not to say that my life isn't enjoyable. My life is quite enjoyable, but it's uncertain as hell. School definitely keeps me busy most of the time, but I still have some pretty close circles of friends that I hang out with and I also have managed to stay somewhat active in running, frisbee, singing, and badminton (sorta). But ask me about the future and I don't know what to say to you. Can I even forecast 2011? Nope. Every time I stop to think about it, I struggle with the fact that I'm not satisfied with where I am and I have no idea where I'm going. Moral of this story? I don't think there is one, but I sure as hell could use some direction.
On a side note, I wonder if this is surprising to you. I generally avoid talking about school with people because 1) I don't have too many positive things to say and 2) it's a little hard to relate if you haven't been in a PhD program.
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| Random thought: Feeling a bit of nostalgia over college extracurriculars.
So I finally installed Windows 7 on my laptop. I'm actually STILL re-installing stuff as I type (I moved from 32-bit to 64-bit, so I had to wipe everything). It's a little ridiculous, given that I can get a free install CD from the EECS dept whenever, but that's another story.
I honestly kind of like wiping my computer. It gives me a chance to backup, reorganize, and clean my stuff. It gives me the opportunity to clean out a lot of useless programs and files as well as giving me a chance to look through all of my files again. In a weird way it can sometimes be a similar feeling as going through an old photo album or yearbook or cleaning out your room back home, that kind of a thing. It also helps that I've managed to hang on to most of the stuff I've ever done on a computer - I've got documents dating back to jr. high! 
Thanks to the advent of cheap external memory storage, you can basically hang on to anything you want to nowadays. But since most of it you won't be accessing regularly, there's no need to keep it on your actual machine, where space can become an issues. So while I was re-installing programs and moving files back onto my laptop, it saddened me to realize that I no longer had a reason to keep my badminton and AiR folders on my machine. Strange to think about, because they have sat there on my desktop for a good part of the last half-decade, with many times where I would use both of them almost daily. It's a little hard for me to fathom right now just how much time and effort went into the contents of those two innocent-looking collections of manila-colored pixels - websites, photos, videos, image design, music transcribing, show programs, photo captioning, and the list goes on and on. I can't help but smile when I think about it now - how earnestly I threw myself at these things and all of the good memories that I hold onto dearly. Looking at things now, I can't help but wonder how I managed to find all of that time and energy. Especially compared to now, where I am floundering to try to find some sort of balance between work and my desperate attempts to maintain a semblance of participation in badminton, singing, and frisbee.
Nice little romp back down memory lane. Thankfully I get to hang on to everything (yay technology!). Took me the better part of a day to reinstall everything though... Back to work now!
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| Listening to the new Sara Bareilles album. I like it.  It's a good break from the flood of pop/hip-hop songs on the radio.
Favorites (subject to change):
1) King of Anything
2) Uncharted
3) Kaleidoscope Heart
4) Breathe Again
5) Hold My Heart
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| Random thought: What do you consider your best summer ever?
School is starting this week, so summer is basically officially over now. Looking back, I definitely had a really good summer - definitely in consideration for "best ever" status. But as I think about whether or not this qualifies as the best, I have to wonder what determines how we view the past. This summer was definitely one of the busiest I've ever had and I did a lot of new and exciting things. From moving out of Berkeley into a swanky, new, and always crowded apartment to traveling to Europe for the first time to doing research full-time to doing my first long bike ride (55 mi) to World Cup madness, this summer's had a LOT of highlights and honestly very few moments I can remember not having anything to do. Lots of traveling, lots of hanging out, and lots of good times.
But there's actually another summer that also ranks very highly in my mind for entirely different reasons. I think it was the summer after my sophomore year of college. I was taking 3 classes over the summer and subletting Rebecca's apartment on Ellsworth and Dwight. It was one of the chillest summers I can remember. This was before I had started doing a cappella, before I ever had an internship, before I ever started doing research, before I ever started traveling with UFO. The details of that summer are pretty fuzzy - I don't remember if I traveled at all or if I did anything crazy - but I can't help but smile when I think about that summer. I remember hanging out with Jack and badminton a LOT. Outside of class, I think I was playing badminton 3-4 times a week and frisbee 3 times a week, too (this was before I really got to know the UFO folks). I must have been in good shape at the time.  Other than that, just chilling a lot - probably including a lot of TV and video gaming, meals with friends, sleeping. Obviously a much simpler time. I'm guessing part of the appeal is that very simplicity that will probably never be a part of my life again. The nostalgia for those carefree days buoys the memories of that summer towards the top of the list.
So which do you prefer? Crazy or simple? Crazy will always tend to stick in your memory better, but the actual events eventually start to fade and you're generally left with just the emotions. I would conjecture that the people who seem the busiest are the ones who covet their downtime the most. While I'm not sure I'd consider my life particularly hectic, it usually is the quiet/lonely moments that stick out in my mind.
I realize that the chances of changing your answer to this question in the future are rapidly becoming smaller and smaller as everyone is settling into year-round work schedules. Thoughts on the matter? I imagine mine will remain one of the two aforementioned summers for a while. I'd be pretty difficult to top them in terms of traveling craziness or simplicity, respectively.
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